1. Beowulf. I found him less intriguing when I sat next to him and got a whiff of his halitosis. All that monster-slaying doesn’t leave a lot of time for dental hygiene.

2. Ben Hur/Charleton Heston. DEAD ringer (ha). Even rides a bike to the train station, chariot-like.

3. Frumpy Heidi. Looks a little like Asser’s sister, but somewhat sloppy.

4. Nice Conductor. Handsome, genteel, suave, professional. Except he has the most misguided hairstyle: long braided ponytail with a completely shaved scalp underneath the back.

5. Seedy Boys Club. Look exactly like frat boys with thinning hair and wedding bands. Guffaw loudly about farts and sports. Probably work on Wall Street.

6. Richard Dreyfuss

7. Bob Balaban

8. Leonine Man. Short, powerful, sinewy, but somehow more catlike than manly because of it.

9. Huge Face Man I and II.

10. Unfortunate-looking Girl. Has unsightly, fleshy pimple at crown of head.

11. Grown-up Allissa. Have been trying for years to get a good picture to prove this.

12. Man-hips. Wears high-wasted pleated chinos that are too short and showcase his rather womanly posterior.

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