Pants » bodily functions

Stripper, Band, or STD

admin — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:37:09 +0000

Let’s play a game with some interesting names of foreign publishers, shall we? Here are the most notable ones I encountered during my former stint in foreign rights.

You decide which is the stripper, the band or the STD. Personally, I’m wanting to vaccinate myself against both Chungbum AND Vagionakis. Both sound unpleasant.

Chungbum (Korean)

Vagionakis (Greek)

Iztok Zapad (Bulgarian)

This last one always reminds me of Zaphod Beeblebrox, from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is the only sci-fi I can tolerate.

also sprach das bathroom nazis

admin — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 23:53:53 +0000

These fun little notices just turned up in the bathrooms at work. I say shit happens, especially in the loo. And besides, floral-scented poo makes me want to retch.

Potty times of yore

admin — Tue, 27 May 2008 17:35:27 +0000

Our bathrooms were broke, so we had to use the ones on the 21st floor. It was pretty weird. First the 21st floor ladies were in there griping about how the door wasn’t locked today/ why not/ it’s a security risk. I nicely mentioned that it was probably to accomodate the un-bathroomed, so they stopped trying to lock it but were still very concerned about security. Why, crazy ladies, why? Who is stealing cups of toilet water?

Second, there were only two stalls, so things were a bit more intimate than usual. Third, there was a vent blowing directly on the seat, so it was impossible to put paper down to sit on. I had to sort of lick it* and stick it to my legs and hold it as I sat down quickly. Third, as I did my business, our VP came in and went into the next stall**. I was just getting up and so my tp seat liners blew right up against her leg. I couldn’t take them back or apologize because she was getting all busy and noisy over there, and it would have been worse if she knew it was me or an arm came reaching around her feet. So I fled anonymously.

*not really.

**I knew it was her because I had earlier heard her asking how to get there.

Spam of the Day

admin — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:19:24 +0000

Sometimes I just have to give credit for great subject lines:

Penis theft panic hits city

Not sure what they are selling, but I almost think we ought to buy it.

UPDATE: Perhaps it occurred at this restaurant.

UPDATE 2: No, it’s for real!!

sola snottae

admin — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:10:43 +0000

I have Calvinist phlegm. It holds me close and never lets me go, and no one can snatch me out of its hand.

“Listen, I’m on my lady business and I WILL cut you”

admin — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:45:37 +0000

If you don’t read Jezebel.com, you should. Here’s a post on why women try so hard to hide the fact that–like every other woman in the world–they have periods. The title is from my favorite comment by one of the readers.

Personally, I’m no longer afraid to look a male cashier in the eye while buying supplies, but I certainly keep the lid on the whole thing in general otherwise. Am still working on getting painkillers from the medicine cabinet in the maleroom (well, it is!) at work, but I feel equally embarassed to get bandaids or cold meds there. Why should everyone know that I have any medical needs at all? Since I am forever walking by the mailroom anyway to the bathroom next door, I pretty much already feel outed by my bodily functions.

tentative formula for successful 8 pm soccer game

admin — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:14:49 +0000

2 mile run

fairly serious weight training

upset stomach throughout day

20 minute nap

no food since yogurt at 3:30 pm

pre-game diarrhea

+ no personal fans watching

________________________

boundless energy, speed, mostly good moves

limpid pools

admin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:45:13 +0000

I have been prescribed to have computer/reading glasses in addition to my contacts, so my eyes don’t do as much “heavy lifting.” I guess it’s time for me to get a beaded chain to keep all my visual accessories around my neck.

I also found out that my eyes are dryish because of clogged glands in the eyeliner area. I am to apply warm compresses in the shower or from time to time, so that the oil will seep out and free up the tears.

Reading glasses! Oily clogg-ball eyes! Please stay married to me, dear.

I’m an early a-plopter

admin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:11:44 +0000

A multi-touch flusher allows you to easily specify how much force is needed to flush. Simply tap with one finger to flush away urine. A double tap with two fingers brings a large force of water guaranteed to be able to flush away even the largest loads.

oh, ew.

admin — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:43:35 +0000

Across the hall, my boss just made an appointment for a bikini and lip wax.

So now I know that.

This is the same woman who, with the office door wide open, loudly called her doctor to set up her colonoscopy, since she had just turned 50, then primly informed me in whispered tones that she would be out the next day for some “procedures.”

Which reminds me there was another loud phone/open door episode where she discussed her son’s genital health with his doctor and then with her husband.

I feel uncomfortable making a hair appointment at work and always close the door and turn on my space heater.

She’s just called her senile mother, so I’d better head out for a lunch break NOW.