bodily functions Category

Spiders in my soul

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

Gave up yet another anxiety-reducing day at the gym for a mad xmas shopping dash.  Was put in resentful frame of mind toward fellow man and season in general. 

Mood slightly lifted to overhear in elevator:

“and he was, like, completely unable to grope them!”

and then found this delicious spam email title:

“PenisMountainousBlanche”

Where does the mental image settle? on pervy desserts, a la J3’s bachelorette cakeA Streetcar Named Desire?  The bottom half of Mt. Rushmore?  I find I am quite distracted from my Grinchiness.

Triptophan Day

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

1.I’ve been missing a few days of this here NaBloPoMo and am not entirely to blame for it. Computer problems at home and an infernally malconnected network at work (have I been Dooced?) make for very sporadic posting.

So, I’ve been pulling up some drafts and tweaking things and throwing them up here to get the monkey off my back.

2. Today we left our place about 10 and made it down to the in-laws in 3:40, an all-time record. I won’t tell you who was driving or how many miles per hour were averaged, but it wasn’t someone with a prostate.

We contributed Jim Lahey’s fabulous bread, with a rosemary and olive oil tweak of my own, and some pumpkin pies.
All the usual trimmings were there, with my favorites: sister-in-law’s baked stuffed potatoes and MIL’s asparagus. I ate sparingly and feel unusually comfortable and not bloated and HOLY CRAP THIS JUST BECAME AN I ATE SOUP FOR LUNCH BLOG.

Still phoning it in

Friday, November 16th, 2007

This thing is kicking my butt, and I would like to stop with the daily posting, especially when I have nothing at all to say. However, that hasn’t stopped me for the last (all?) several posts, so here we go again. Here’s a fewies.

1. I feel a little embarassed that the person from that teacher-funding charity left a thank-you comment, since the previous post was a little risque. She must think me a brassy humanitarian with Tourette’s.

2. Also, I’d like to clarify that that book is about lab experiments you don’t expect to find science grant money being spent on: sex science. That would be a drier topic than the titillating one you’d expect, but the author is demonstrably hilarious and a smartass to boot, so it will be well worth a read.

I feel there should be more sex science. Aside from how-tos, maintenance, and emotional psychology, has there really been much since Kinsey and Masters & Johnson? Having not been around during the 60s, I really don’t know what I’m talking about, but it seems like the last 20 years have been all “we can/we will” vs. “we shouldn’t/we don’t.” I’m guessing a lot of problems could be avoided if people knew exactly what the parts were and what they do and how. Less therapy, less counseling, fewer meds.

3. It’s 12:33am and I can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow. The weekend has a few highlights: breakfast with someone who “wants to get to know us,” visit from the ringbearers (not hobbits, though they are rather small boys), and dinner at La Bella Vita in NA with some of P’s friends.

Musty old claptrap

Thursday, November 15th, 2007

1. One foreign company I did business with at work was called Vagionakis. 

2. My sister was a nanny for a curious 3-year-old, who had just learned about her bits and one day decided to joyfully holler, “Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!” at the top of her voice while J3 was minding her.  Unfortunately, the child’s mother was upstairs and came running immediately (wouldn’t you?).  J3’s face must have been one big blotchy combination of horror, embarassment, defensiveness and amusement.  I’m sorry I missed that. 

3.  The best part.  Today’s author completely conquered our sales conference and secured her place in our company’s heart when she incorporated audience participation by handing out giant cards (think “MR. SCHNAFFENFLUFFER” signs that drivers hold up at airports) that read “VAGINA,” “ORGASM,” “MASTURBATION,” “INTERCOURSE,” and “CLITORIS.” (PENIS was omitted on the basis that is “has become a household word, like ’dog’ or ‘cat’).  That wasn’t half the fun.  While she related some anecdotes from her book research, sign-holders were meant to sing out their particular buzzword when called upon. 

We squirmed a bit at first, even the president looking as nervous as a 6th grader in sex-ed, but the volunteers gathered courage, and soon even the stern sales director was putting a delay in his resonant “ORGASM   !” for effect, and the rest of us were guffawing loudly. 

Forget falling asleep– that was the best sales conference of all time.  I even called P, so he got to overhear someone yell, “BUTTHOLE” when the CLITORIS person was too slow. 

mad about saffron

Friday, October 26th, 2007

This morning, my eye doctor gave me those jaundice-colored drops for the glaucoma test, which appear to have leaked all through my sinuses.  I am still finding bright yellow boogers at 3pm.