From the new book “No Regrets: The Best Worst, & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever.”
With a foreword by Tobias. Oh yeah.

1. Brown rice with parmesan
2. Golden-crusted Brussells Sprouts (you like them, though you may not know it yet)
3. Balsamic chicken tenders

Ingredients:

* 12 or more of the tiniest, firmest BS you can find, fresh
* Parmesan or other nutty cheese (romano, gouda, gruyere). Can be ground or you can shred it from a block, 3-4 T worth.
* Brown rice- the short grain variety, round and chunky
* Chicken tenders- I used an 8-pack for a small, 2 person meal.
* 2-3 T balsamic vinegar
* 1/4 c broth (veg or what-have-you)
* splash of wine (one for the pot, one for me)
* olive oil, extra virgin

I keep parm, broth, vinegar, and wine around at all times, so really only need to shop for ck, BS, rice. And if you don’t have olive oil in permanent stock, you are a lousy cook and a worse citizen.

Start with prepping the BS: rinse and chop. I like to have them in a salad spinner bowl in the sink, running cold water over them while I peel off the outside ratty leaves. This way I can dump the water out and give them a little spin to get the excess moisture off. Turns out that when your veg or meat is wet, steaming occurs in hot oiled pans that you will want to avoid if you are after a crispy sort of finish. Turn them out onto a cutting board and use your biggest chef’s knife to cut off the stumpy stem and slice off any bruises or blackish discolorations. Slice each BS in half top to bottom (bottom being the stem side).

Toss or rub them with olive oil (about 1 T), making sure that the flat sides get good and oily, as they will be face down on a hot pan.

Start the water boiling for the rice. Use 2 parts water to 1 part rice. I usually do 3/4 c rice for a side dish for two. Add a dash of salt if you must.

Back to the BS: Use the thickest pot/pan you have, either an iron skillet or one of those cast iron Le Creuset shenanigans with a lid (since they are about $300 a pop, I use the Ikea version, and don’t yet know what I’m missing). 1 T olive oil over medium heat. When spit or water drops sizzle, add the BS flat side down, sprinkle with salt, cover and cook for 5 minutes. Don’t let your oil smoke and don’t let the BS brown too fast. I just burned mine, which is why I’m not giving you a picture of this meal. Some leaves will have separated from the main BS, which is just fine. Poke with a fork to see if they’re tender, then let them continue to brown for 3-4 more minutes, tossing with a spatula to get the backsides, too. You’re after a crispy, brown look, tender all the way through.

Transfer to a serving dish and toss in parmesan. I find that my OXO lemon zester is a fantastic hand-held grater for a block of cheese. Set it aside.

By now, if not sooner, your water will have boiled. Add the rice, cover, reduce heat after it comes to a boil again. I get mine to a lowish medium flame and stir it occasionally, keeping a wary eye out so as not to burn the bottom. This will cook down to edible rice in 15-20 minutes.

On a plate, mix dash of salt and pepper with 2 T flour, and dredge the chicken cutlets therein. Somehow flour-coated meat keeps it moister inside and gives it a nice texture outside. Use the same pan as for the BS, adding 1-2 T olive oil and heating it to med-high. Add chicken in a single layer and cook for 3 minutes. Drizzle the balsamic vinegar over the row and then dribble in the broth and splash the wine, too. Keep your face and arms back, as water+hot oil=spattering burns, duh. Cover it, reduce the flame a bit and give it another 3 minutes. Chicken should be fairly tender without giving anyone salmonella. I give in to the stab and pry urge, just to be sure there are no sketchy pink juices issuing forth.

Give the dinner-is-ready call to your eating companions. When the rice is done, mix in 2 T parmesan.

Eat it up.

I was introduced to Brussells Sprouts for the first time last month in my farm co-op delivery. After a brief panic, I found this recipe online and have stuck to its general idea here.

But it would sure be handy to have a stylus for this thing. Wonder if anyone will make one soon.

I’ve been a-hankerin for some pumpkin goodies, so I found this recipe online and adjusted it some.  I read somewhere that you can substitute wet, saucy ingredients (applesauce, yogurt) for fats (oil, butter), so I’ve been doing that lately with muffins.  We’re more interested in having something healthy and solid (nutrient-wise, not weight if all goes well) to grab for breakfast, so buttery flaky sweetness isn’t such a sacrifice in our muffins.

In this case, I used cinnamon applesauce instead of vegetable oil, and omitted all but a heaping tablespoon of sugar (the applesauce and pumpkin are sweet already, and honey could help, too).  1 cup ww flour and 1/2 c white made up for not having the pastry flour, and I used 1 1/2 teaspoons of pumpkin pie spice instead of the cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg (that was just laziness).

I doubled the recipe and did half with raisins, half with chocolate chips.  Great success!  I wouldn’t serve them to anyone expecting a normal sweet, puffy muffin, and I think sticking to the original spices would make it more pumpkinny-tasting, instead of a general pumpkin+apple autumn flavor.

*if you know anyone who spells this “cuppert,” please advise them otherwise.

Fifi had sent me a collection of our high school cartoons, birthed mainly in algebra class and inspired largely by our mildly-stuttering and thickly-bespectacled teacher, Mr. S. In retrospect, Mr. S. must have been a clever teacher to make us recite, “Mmmmmm, slope!” Even today, I can remember that in the line-forming equation y=mx+b, m represents the slope of the line. Naturally, Fifi and I found it spasmodically delightful to see him standing in front of us, rubbing his stomach in appreciation of the delicious slope at hand. Especially when he wore one of his shirts that looked like graph paper or a tic-tac-toe grid.

Another algebraic principle that caught our attention was the idea that subtracting a negative resulted in a positive. We promptly determined that our insignificant bustlines suffered from such negativity and drew scenarios in which beating—or subtracting—them would create a lovely positive swelling. Because that isn’t weird at all! Quite funny, in fact.

Here we have an adventure in which Fifi and I take advantage of the checkerboard pattern on Mr. S’ shirt, and he kindly obliges by passing out.

*no idea, but it was a common punchline