Lucky for me, there’s enough material in-house to start my own. Yesterday, P received a gem of an email promising him “55 Steps to Seduce Girls: A Guide for Meen!” He considered this offer. “On the one hand, seduction of girls! But fifty-five steps is waaay too much work. I’ll pass.”

I’m sure some other Meen! will jump on this offer.

Sample convo with Asian mfrs:

“Ethel” Xua Po: Please sign this 42 page contract without looking and return us your soonest.

Peter: Thanks for the contract. We are unable to agree to clause 4, which requires us to eat babies. We suggest rewording to say, “Ten One will deliver the Product within 30 days and will not eat babies.”

EXP: Because to company policies, our legal office requires no changes. Plz sign to us sooner. Thanks you.

Peter: I’m afraid we must insist on removing the baby-eating language. This agreement is for the prompt delivery of our Product and should not extend to nutritional matters. Thanks for your understanding.

EXP: Suppose we can agree to delete babies. But we ask you reconsider 30 days. We require Product tomorrow.

Peter: As mentioned in last month’s correspondence, it takes 30 days to manufacture and deliver the Product. We regret that the lead time can not be shortened.

EXP: Then we suggest you assign intellectual property to us for purposes counterfeit in cheaper Chinese sweatshop.

Peter: We do enjoy your sense of humor. We shall not transfer the IP; this is merely a purchase agreement for the delivery of our Products.

EXP: Thanks. We can allow you keep your copyright only if compromise to eat babies. Our legal say it might cause too much troublesome for future business. It’s not to be seen that we are sank into this argument & ignore the foreseen opportunity.

Peter: What do happen??!!?

Commentator during last weekend’s Preakness Stakes: “I had the pleasure of riding both his mother and his grandmother.”

2. I wish I had thought of this.

Brian & Eileen’s Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

3. Ever suffered through an Olan Mills portrait session? Now you can laugh at others in awkward photo poses.

The next day we went to Weba’s house to munch on her baby. I took daddy porn pictures.

Next, I’m pleased to announce that yesterday was the long-awaited birth of the Peanut, who is the cutest little PuertoKorecuan legume I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, back at home, the landlords keep it so hot the only way to sleep is spread-eagle naked with an ice cube on your tongue.

more animals

Naturally, I would have 2 hours worth of technical difficulties, in which I refused to ask P for help in loading up a new imeem playlist and slipping its code into the correct place, but after he became sick of hearing all the goddammits and huffing coming from the studio and I had hurled my martyred self across the bed, he very graciously went through it with me. And again, the machine noticed that the person using it had a penis and cooperated exactly as it should have.

So here is my musical offering, gentle reader (I know there’s only one of you. Hi, KL!).

1. Music is the Victim- Scissor Sisters. One of my favorite work-out songs, and very appropriate because my daddy actually DOES go on a “dog run.”

2. You Turn Me On, I’m a Radio- Joni Mitchell. Fell in love with her in college, thanks to my matchless roompit’s CD collection and haven’t looked back. This song is completely out of sync with the others on this list, so you will perhaps want to save it for sunny afternoon of dancing around in the house in your underwear.

3. I Love to Boogie- T Rex. From the Billy Elliot soundtrack!

4. Fat-Bottom Girls- Queen. Inappropriate! Rousing! Why can’t high school choirs sing this? May lead to raccous lip-syncing and compromising rock-star poses.

Here is what I sent to my sister after finding out that her now-husband asked her to be his girlfriend:

HELL, YES. I am so unbelievably happy for you, my
dearest of dears. I want to tell p right away. he’ll
be thrilled, too.
so, that must leave you floating on air. how cute and
awkward he is. are you gonna tell mom? last night
she lit into me about “committment” and “physical
intimacy” and expressed her disappointment that i keep
making the same mistakes over and over again. Ugh. it
was too big to tackle, but she seemed somewhat
mollified when i told her we were committed to each
other and on one else for dating as long as that
lasted, and that marriage looks fine from here,etc.
Argh. She doesn’t even make sense about what she is
hoping for.
But not to steal your thunder. If you tell, make it
soudn like there is some sort of contract between you
and that purity is high on the list.
-May ‘04

I also found out that my eyes are dryish because of clogged glands in the eyeliner area.  I am to apply warm compresses in the shower or from time to time, so that the oil will seep out and free up the tears.

Reading glasses!  Oily clogg-ball eyes!  Please stay married to me, dear.